A salary administration fairytale (with less magic and more HR headaches)

Once upon a time, in the enchanted kingdom of Financial Bliss—where spreadsheets sparkled and budgets balanced themselves—a shiny new CEO was appointed to rule over a once-troubled financial institution. With charisma, grit, and a disturbingly organized Google Drive, he turned the institution around in just two years. The kingdom rejoiced!

The board threw him a $48,000 parade (also known as a raise), bumping him up to 92% of the almighty salary midpoint. But alas! The young CEO was not amused. “I saved the kingdom!” he cried. “Where is my treasure chest?”

In a panic, royal analysts were summoned to ensure the mystical “market rate” had been correctly divined. The board, glowing with admiration (and mild fear), reassured him, “You’re doing amazing, sweetie.” But when the Chairman asked, “What should we do?” the board fractured like a stale cookie.

One side whispered, “Give him everything! He might leave for another kingdom!”.

The other side hissed, “Appease him now, and he’ll demand a unicorn next year.”

So, they called upon the Great Fairy Consultant, who arrived with a flash of light, a compensation survey, and absolutely zero tolerance for nonsense. “What is your compensation philosophy?” she asked. “To be competitive in the market!” the board chanted, like enchanted HR interns.

She then consulted the sacred scrolls (and some expensive third-party data) and declared, “Your midpoint is true. A 92% compa-ratio after two years is spicy but fitting for a heroic ruler. Still, beware—those who seek joy in constant validation shall never be satisfied.”

“But he’s still pouting!” groaned the incoming Chairman. “Can’t we just make him…like us?”

“Here, feed him this enchanted red apple,” the Fairy deadpanned.

“Will it work?” they asked.

“Of course not, you Ninnies,” she cackled. “Own your compensation philosophy or change it. You can’t run a kingdom on vibes alone.”

Upon further inspection, the CEO’s bonus structure was revealed to be…meh. His performance scorecard required near perfection just to hit an average reward. Yikes.

So, the Fairy Consultant waved her wand of logic. They redesigned his bonus to reflect industry norms, nudged the salary midpoint up to the 60th percentile, and—plot twist—kept his base pay at 92%, due to strategic thinking.

“Most drama,” she explained, sipping from her HR-branded coffee mug, “comes from ambiguity, not greed. Clarify the rules. Stick to them. Then maybe—just maybe—you’ll have fewer palace revolts.”

The CEO declared the new plan “moderately acceptable for now,” and peace and prosperity returned to the land.

Until next year’s salary review.

The End.

Back to Blog